Confused.

So, I'm guessing that most of you that read this don't know the history of my life or at least not the last year.

My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up last summer. (we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of that day - I'm trying not to think about that, but my brain is kinda screwy that way. I remember dates WAY too well.) Anyway, Luke (my ex) made the right decision. We may have had a great romance in the beginning, but in reality we were much better friends. I know it took me a long time to be honest enough with myself to admit that we weren't really as happy as we pretended to be. He finally had the guts to speak up about it. I know things were complicated by having a third party involved. And before anyone dogs on him because of this- I truly believe to my core- that he would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt me. I believe he was kinda blindsided by his feelings for this other woman and was truly confused as to what he SHOULD do. He maybe didn't make all the BEST choices, but he tried his best. He went out of his way to keep my esteem up, and he acted as the best friend I could ask for.

In October he moved to Wisconsin. We talked on the phone and tried to keep in touch. It's been pretty touch and go. I do really wish we could be friends. But, well, I'm starting to get the feeling that he doesn't want to. That hurts all over again. Maybe that's what's bothering me today.

About today-
I have a photography company (Luke was in it with me). When he moved to Wisc I let him take one of the company cameras because I thought he would actually still be part of the company. That didn't quite happen. I'm starting to get more bookings and was feeling uneasy about not having my backup camera. I had to ask for it back (along with some money I was still owed from our "parting ways").

I received that package today. And it made me sad. Really sad. And I've spent the day trying to figure out why. I think I was most bothered by the fact that in the box was the camera, lens, and check. No note, nothing personal. That's what makes me think he doesn't want to be friends anymore. We haven't talked since the end of April and our text/emails have been strictly business-like. It makes me sad.

We have one more piece of business still connecting us. I'm torn. Part of me thinks I'm ok, and completely ready to cut all ties. Then there's the other part that wants to still try to be friends.
I know he made the right choice, and lately I've kinda been thinking about how there are things about him that well.. aren't what I'm looking for. I'm very OVER him. I still care about him, don't get me wrong, but I'm definitely NOT still in love with him or anything like that! So why would this stupid package bother me?

I don't know. I've been in a mood all day. I snapped a little at my parents, I'm hoping they both kinda understood since they both knew I got something from Luke today.

In general I'm doing good. I mean my fitness level has been less than desirable, but I've been eating much better. I'm golfing several times a week. I'm actually kind of excited about my new position at school. I'm getting back in touch with my best friend - the girl I've been friends with since 1st grade! I'm getting along with my parents (surprisingly well). I'm learning lots of new computer stuff.

Well thanks for listening to me unload. I needed it. I think I might cry a little tonight. It'll be the first time since January. (in regards to Luke) Am I crazy? Why did I have this reaction? Any thoughts?